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Why Kids “Ruin Everything”—And Why That Might Be the Best Thing That Ever Happens to You
Father of two, married for over 29 years, Rick shares his deep wisdom.
Stephen James
March 26, 2021
A Raw Conversation on Parenting, Partnership & the Four S’s of Family Leadership
Let’s get this out the way first:
Kids will blow your life to pieces.
Your time? Gone.
Your money? Devoured.
Your sex life? On ice.
And yet—if you do it right—raising children can become the most soul-deep, spiritually enriching, love-activating experience of your entire life.
This isn’t a parenting tip list.
This is a conversation about love, identity, survival, and devotion—with a man who’s walked the path for over 30 years.
Meet Rick Gabrielly: marriage coach, life designer, and proud father of two grown sons. In this conversation, Rick breaks down what most couples aren’t told before having kids—and how to navigate the chaos without losing your connection, your sanity, or your soul.
The Cold Truth: Kids Will Disrupt Everything
Rick doesn’t sugarcoat it. His infamous “14 reasons why kids ruin everything” include:
1. Big Change
Massive shifts in time, money, intimacy, and priorities. Nothing stays the same.
2. You Start Sharing Each Other
Your relationship is no longer just you two. You now orbit around the baby.
3. New Responsibilities, No Manual
Suddenly you’re responsible for a fragile human—and winging it with Google and your mother-in-law.
4. Fear of the Highest Order
Sleepless nights. Death scenarios. Constant anxiety. The fear never stops.
5. You’re Not Grown Up Yet
Even at 40, having a kid will show you how emotionally unprepared you still are.
6. Worry Goes Next Level
Every sniffle becomes an existential crisis. Every decision feels high stakes.
7. Polarity Split: Protector vs. Nurturer
Men go into provider mode. Women go into nurture mode. Emotional intimacy suffers.
8. Money Gets Weird
Budgeting for diapers, daycare, and Disney+ — welcome to the new economics of family life.
9. Disagreements on Raising Them
Discipline, education, religion, screen time—you name it, you’ll fight about it.
10. Parent vs. Parent Competition
Who’s the better parent? Whose genes are to blame? It gets petty real quick.
11. Sex and Intimacy Fade
Physical and emotional connection drops off. External distractions (or temptations) increase.
12. Trust Gets Tested
When needs aren’t met inside the relationship, partners start looking elsewhere—for validation, comfort, or escape.
13. Self-Doubt Skyrockets
Everyone’s an expert on your parenting. You feel like an imposter 24/7.
14. The Kid Becomes Their Own Person
Once they develop their own personality, wants, and attitude—it’s like adding another adult to the house. Chaos 2.0.
💖 15. But… It’s All Worth It If You Do This
If you commit to the 4 S’s (Source, Self, Spouse, then Suspects like kids/work), parenting becomes the ultimate journey of becoming your best self, loving more deeply, and contributing to humanity in the most profound way possible.
From emotional burnout to disagreements about discipline, education, religion, and screen time… parenting can feel like trying to build IKEA furniture while blindfolded, sleep-deprived, and mid-existential crisis.
But it’s not the kid’s fault.
It’s that most couples were never taught how to prioritise each other once the tiny humans arrive.
The Four S’s That Save Marriages
Rick’s antidote to the breakdown? A deceptively simple hierarchy:
1. Source
Connect to something greater than yourself—God, spirit, nature, purpose.
“Your kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need a parent connected to Source.”
2. Self
You can’t pour from an empty cup.
If you’re burned out, lost, or disconnected from your essence, you’ll unconsciously take it out on your partner or child.
3. Spouse
Yes, before the kids.
“If you put your kids above your partner, don’t be surprised when they grow up and your marriage collapses.”
4. Suspects
Kids, work, bills, responsibilities. They come after you’ve grounded the first three.
💔 What Actually Breaks Couples Apart
“We used to agree on everything. Now we fight about everything.”
Rick explains how the shift from lovers to co-parents often triggers:
Emotional distance
Sex and intimacy dropping off a cliff
Resentment over who’s doing more parenting
Unresolved childhood wounds playing out through the kids
Couples competing over “who’s the better parent”
The love didn’t vanish.
It just got buried under exhaustion, comparison, and unspoken expectations.
❤️ Real Partnership Is About Emotional Deposits
Most couples fall apart not because of cheating, but because of emotional neglect.
“You have to ask your partner: What do you really need from me? Then do that. Consistently.”
If you’re not depositing love, presence, appreciation, and trust into your relationship account, don’t be surprised when it goes bankrupt.
The Real Job of a Parent
Spoiler: it’s not raising a perfect child.
“Your job is to become the kind of person your child wants to grow into.”
Kids don’t listen to what you say.
They absorb what you model.
That means:
Loving your partner out loud
Handling stress without imploding
Choosing presence over performance
Owning your emotional state and growth
Any Two People Can Be Great Parents
Forget the checklist of “ideal traits” for a partner.
Rick says:
“Any two people can raise a child and have a beautiful life—if they commit to growing, to truth, and to connection.”
Don’t judge someone by their past.
Some of the best parents Rick knows came from the roughest backgrounds.
What matters is the willingness to show up and do the inner work—together.
Bonus Tool: How to Keep Your Sanity as a Couple with Kids
Schedule check-ins where you only talk about your relationship, not the kids.
Ask your partner: “What do you need emotionally right now?”
Honour their love language, not yours.
Simplify your life. (Read Essentialism by Greg McKeown)
If in doubt, go back to the 4 S’s.
🪴 Final Word from Rick
“Even if you just have a healthy kid and a partner who loves you—even a little—you are rich beyond imagination. That is your soil. Water it. Nourish it. Build on it.”
Parenting isn’t about perfection.
It’s about showing up again tomorrow. With love. With humility. With the willingness to learn.
🌟 Want to Go Deeper?
Explore Rick Gabrielly’s work:
Your Invitation from Heart Initiation
If you’re navigating the transition from romantic partnership to conscious parenting, and want to deepen your emotional intelligence, reconnect with your partner, and live from Source…
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