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How To Find Your Soulmate with Elena Angel



STEVE: Today we’ve got Elena Angel on from London. Elena is a teacher, speaker, mentor and founder of the Ultimate Connection Coaching and also a finding your soulmate expert. That’s something we’re going to dive in today. How are you doing Elena?

ELENA: Hi, Steve. I’m very well, thank you, really excited to connect with you after all this time. Yeah, can’t wait.

STEVE: Yes, time to reconnect. So for those who are new to you, what would you describe as all the things you do, the soul mate expert stuff, the connection, coaching, what is it that you do and how did you get to that part in life?

ELENA: It’s been a life long journey, really, one of really discovering who I am. The key that I found in my own journey was the soul. So I developed a way of looking at ourselves from that perspective and healing and developing all the different areas of our lives. So this could be a relationship, that’s my specialism. Relationships, life purpose, creativity, looking at our lifestyle, well being, spirituality, communities and just really informing ourselves and our lives from this deeper aspect that can give us more nourishment, the fulfilment that pretty much anything else in the outside world would offer us.

So my coaching is about that. People come to me for a variety of reasons. I have a background in Tantra and Taoist practice. So I introduce some of those principles that help to create coaches, relationships. I create existing relationships that also help to draw in better partners. People are struggling to find good partners. And you can see all the dating sites and there is so much on dating and at the same time, so much isolation and loneliness and difficulty in connecting, so big part of my work is about that.

And I run a finding your soulmate connections events to help with that further because I do believe there is great magic in physically meeting people. We rely a lot on technology and here we are having this conversation and it’s great, but there is no substitute for the magic of actually being together in a group of people who are longing to connect on this deeper place, the heart and the soul and feelings, and take it from there really. So that’s a big part of my work.

STEVE: Leading off from that, that would be going into what you said really was about the technology is keeping us separate and I think that it is something everyone must feel on some level. Whether someone is trying to find a new partner on Tinder or on Eharmony, we are all looking for something more than just an online connection. So how do we start getting in touch with that deeper part of ourselves? Because surely that is the answer before we go looking for someone else. Wouldn’t you agree?

ELENA: Yeah absolutely. It’s funny you mentioned Eharmony and I don’t mean to give me bad press, but I have actually been on that site because I was fascinated by their system. They have very comprehensive questionnaire that people can go into and answer and the emphasis is on compatibility and having shared values and ethics.

This is very, very important but I’m just amused that how it still doesn’t work because the soul just doesn’t work like that. It’s not so logical and it’s not about ticking the right boxes. So going back to that place, let’s define the soul, shall we?

STEVE: Yeah.

ELENA: So, the soul we might say is an individuation of the divine. So if we are extensions of the divine God/universe, there is a level of individuation where we can identify as ourselves, rather than the collective or as one, the enormous entity that is God. So this is what gives us our identity. It’s an aspect of a divine version we call ourselves.

And on a “higher level”, (I have to use that analogy); we have aspects of past lives and things like this. So it becomes a collection of experiences and gifts that we have through our being in existence.

And then there is a level of identity that is more personal. This is where personality comes in. So I’m Elena, you’re Steve, I see you as a person who grows, has experiences and I can relate to you on a personal level through those experiences. But there is a soul aspect that is much greater than that. More than I could ever know of you and probably you don’t know fully either. You are discovering it as you go along. The same is true for me.

So I’m Elena and I know what my parents were like and where I grew up and where I went to school and all the people who came into my life and all those experiences. But there is an aspect of me that is greater than even I know and in the process of constantly discovering more. We’re all mysteries.

And this mystery is the whole point.

We’re here to discover the mystery that is ourselves.

And one of the best ways of doing so is in our relationships. As I connect with you, we start evoking qualities in each other and we start seeing in each other what we might not be able to see in ourselves.

In psychological terms that can lead to difficulties with projections and that becomes hurtful. A lot of the time it happens when we blame the other person for our own stuff a lot of the time.

But there is a beauty in it as well because I can see gifts in you that perhaps are easier to recognize in you than in myself. And together we can grow and help each other to find more of who we are and help each other to express it more fully. And that’s how a relationship can become more liberating.

That’s another problem. We go into a relationship and we are afraid that as we get more intimate, more involved with someone, we lose ourselves and we have to compromise and we lose our freedom. So, when you relate from the soul aspect then the opposite is true.

As this person is your partner to be yourself more than you would have been otherwise. And this is true of the romantic relationships and closer partnerships because we really get to know the person really, really, well and we perhaps share a commitment to grow together and supporting each other in this way.

But I see this spreading in bigger groups of people, so we have friends that relate with us in that way, we have work associates that work with us in this way. And I also see businesses that are very soul-centred. So the good thing about it is this is spreading and groups of people and communities and different projects that are going on, and we’re all helping each other, and helping for the greater good as well. Yes, so that’s the big difference when you step into the soul.

STEVE: Do you have a more concise definition of what a soul mate connection or partnership is?

ELENA: So, a soul partnership is one that is lead by the soul. It used to be that, okay I met somebody, and things turned into a functional relationship. I meet someone and I know they have a job title for example and they can help me with something and I have a transaction that–I say you can help me find me a home, great and you can help me have sex, great… I’ll give you some sex back or give you some money back or I’ll give you something back.

And a lot of our relationships used to be transactional, based on exchange. And the focus was on what could I get for myself. And the value was, how valuable is this for me. And how valuable is this for you and can we agree on a value for the exchange. That’s been dominating our relationships for a long, long time. And on some level, it works.

But now we’re upgrading. We’re upgrading collectively and now we are moving away from this transactional model, into a model of communion and sharing. So my value is in being myself. Therefore there is no number attached to that. My job is to express my gifts and to fulfil the soul purpose. So as I commit to that, that is the value that I experience in myself and the value I give to the world.

And when everybody does that, it’s a case of sharing those resources and supporting each other to give more of what we already have within. So it’s much more about collaboration, communion, sharing rather than value-based transaction.

STEVE: From my experience, soul mate relationships can also be very messy. What would you say about that? Is this a common occurrence?

ELENA: Yes of course, of course. I think that is true of everything, really. Life gives us opportunities to heal, to become better integrated and more whole. And the ones that are more intimate and we’re in love they are the most potent of course because we invest more of ourselves and it matters more. And potentially it can be hurtful, yeah.

My solution to that is to focus on the learning, to see all the projections and opportunities to find the deeper truth and to find learning.

I’ll give you an example. I was in a relationship a long time ago and I realized that at some point, that I was not in the relationship because of love. Love was there obviously but love was not the reason I was in the relationship. The reason was to grow and I would ask myself… Am I growing in this relationship or how can I grow more out of this relationship? And I chose to look at all conflicts and differences or any difficulty as yet another opportunity for me to learn and to grow. So that was my focus and I didn’t take it so personally.

Each relationship has its gifts. So the question I would ask is what is the learning in this? How can I grow more out of this? And as long as there is love in the equation (which there should be), honestly, really hope you’ll be feeling it. Love provides the container to do this work. So there is no way around those things. It’s the healing of the personality, and you might as well do it with your soul mate than someone else.

STEVE: Yeah, just speaking on that a little bit further. There is some part of our culture that is still thinking about this Disney movie aspect and even thinking the whole soul mate thing and living happily ever after. What would you say about that in terms of the length of the time of the relationship or perhaps the complete disaster at the end of a relationship? Does that mean it was less of a soul mate relationship? Or is that because we think like that because of this Disney movie happily ever after?

ELENA: Sure, soul mate relationship is not something meant like fluffy, pink, “happily ever after” scenario. It can be amazingly loving and fulfilling and very beautiful and easy. But also it can be very challenging. In my experience soul mate relationships are those that offer the most opportunities for growth and for self-actualization. So whatever it is we need wants to express that help me the most. And if I have a big block around that, then obviously you’re going to challenge me the most as well.

Soul mate relationships are not designed to last forever necessarily.

But they do fulfil the purpose and it’s like two of us getting together and having a purpose, the reason for being in that relationship does serve our own healing and our own growth.

As long as we commit to that, we will receive the blessings of that.

But it’s perfectly fine to want a new partnership as we evolve, over a number of partnerships. This doesn’t have to be very exclusive.

STEVE: Yeah you say about partnership lasting forever. Perhaps it does last forever on a soul level and a physical body level we are coming into this experience to learn, what we need to learn to be as a self actualize this is possible.

ELENA: Yeah, absolutely. And having said that, it is useful to have relationship tools. This whole perspective is great to have in mind and to keep close to the heart but we need to learn things like, how to communicate. We often don’t know basic things around communication or how to express mutual needs, or how to set boundaries and this is part of the spiritual journey. It is also largely a part of the psychological journey and that has to be honored as well.

Ultimately there is an integration going on between the soul perspective, (which is perfect and eternal) and… of course… we are connected forever on a soul level. And then we have the personality level which still experiences a strive and separation and the pain and the hurt and this is now being healed and integrated so we can have more fluid relationships, less hurtful relationships, more loving and creative ones.

STEVE: Yeah and it’s that friction between both of those things the grinds us into the diamond we’re trying to be in this embodiment, in this human experience.

ELENA: Yeah, totally. This is what this is all about. This wholeness, this completion is the completion of the self and the more we bring our parts together and the more we heal those gaps in our psyche the better our relationships and the better our world.

STEVE: So let’s talk about some practical tools people can use when they are in an intimate relating situation, how can we connect more on that soul level?

ELENA: I would say the first thing is to drop into the heart. To leave the thoughts and the assessments and judgments aside for a while and turn our energy inwards dropping into the heart, so this is a place of connection where I’m not so busy assessing or judging someone or thinking about what I want or imagining what he may be or how he may not be, and just really feeling myself and align myself to the sense of the other person from the heart without any assumptions, without any expectations. That would be the beginning.

And in Tantra, we have practices like gazing where you would be quiet for quite some time and just gaze into each other’s eyes and breathe together for a while. Not many words are necessary to make those connections.

The magic happens when we start to experience feelings, we start to have a sense of who we are, who this person is, moves beyond our ego, so that’s the beginning. Just breathe more, talk less, drop into the heart and just feel.

STEVE: If you’re looking for that soul connection, you perhaps don’t want to give your sexual energy to someone who is the wrong person because you are more focused on having that soul partnership. Do you find that with people looking for a soul partnership?

ELENA: Yeah, it’s a good question. Starting from the conversation, a lot of people are not so intimate with the conversation, so a lot of time is spent on being clever or trying to make a good impression or worrying that we don’t make a good impression or what impression do we make. So there is a lot of worries and the conversation tends to separate us more than it connects us. So when it comes to conversations, what I encourage people to do, is to speak more about the things that are really, really matter to them.

So instead of just talking about what happened during the day or saying some clever things or trying to be funny, humor is great but what is the thing that really enlightens you? What are you passionate about? What are you hoping for? Or what has really saddened you today? Or what has really touched you in a deep way today? It’s best to have conversations about things that really move us, rather than all the small talk.

If I’m speaking with someone it gives us both the opportunity to feel that soul aspect, to feel what that person is really about, their true essence and then we can start to feel the synergy between us.

The chemistry you can have with some people and maybe not with others. But the most important part in you developing a soul mate connection, is about what makes you tick? What are you passionate about? What is the deepest feeling of yourself?

What is the synergy? What gifts have we got for each other? And maybe if there is chemistry as well… fantastic… maybe want to take it further. If there isn’t much chemistry there, you might choose a different kind of relationship with this person, maybe not a sexual one. But if you could find some synergy in other areas or maybe you will find, okay they’re on a very different path of my own and just wish them well and move on.

STEVE: Yeah, so is it a matter of slowing things down, because we live in this fast-paced culture that everything within a soul-based path specifically to do with intimate relationships… do you recommend just slowing things down?

ELENA: Yeah, slowing things down really matters. We are afraid to disclose a lot about ourselves. But the more we disclose then the faster this process becomes and the more meaningful as well. In my soul mate connection, I encourage people to speak about their dreams… in a completely uncensored way.

What would you really love to do? Because that’s what the soul desires express.

And people find that they receive great encouragement when they do that, and also they find these amazing synchronicities where other people may have some important information for them or have some experience to contribute that’s rolled into that. And now we feel like we’re much, much closer, we really understand each other; we now have become partners in that journey.

And like I said before, to turn this into a romantic relationship… a sexual relationship… you also want chemistry. And chemistry is something different. The chemistry really comes from the physical aspect primarily, right. So we won’t be sexually as interested in everyone maybe if we really pay attention.

Again here there is being a bit of a distortion in that, for example it’s been very common for men to imagine that they can have sex with lots of women and they’ll be okay and then they are hurt when they have some problems or they can’t function sometimes and they worry that there is something wrong with them. There will be some people you will not want you sexually and this is not a problem.

So it takes a little bit of self-awareness to know when that chemistry kicks in. Chemistry is not something that we can manipulate.

I would encourage people to take some time and to feel into that aspect as well if they want to have really great sex life also and perhaps combine all those elements to have the soul connection to have a similar outlook on lives, similar values, similar desires. There are a lot of components to have a really fabulous relationship.

But also understand it doesn’t have to be the one person that ticks absolutely every single box. I could see this as more of a finding different people to fulfil different aspects and with someone sexual maybe emotional and soul partnership is important. But maybe the lack of personal career would be secondary but everybody has to make their own choices.

STEVE: For those who are looking for these type of relationships, partnerships that are more soul connected, whether they’re partner, what would you recommend in terms of communicating when there is an attraction. Is it better to just put that out there and say, yes I feel attracted to you but I still don’t know where this is going to go? Let’s feel it out, what is the best thing to do you think when it comes to declaring attraction.

ELENA: I think it’s a good idea, to be honest, and transparent. It makes everything much easier just to say how you feel. If you feel attraction then great, say it, show it, and if you don't then declare that as well.

I’m all for transparency as much as possible, because that takes all the guessing out of the picture and all the misunderstanding and miscommunication that can arise. Perhaps it’s difficult because we’re maybe not used to being very open about exactly how we feel. But I think it’s useful to let our partner know or a potential partner knows where we’re at and simplifies everything.

STEVE: Yeah, there will less “chase me, chase me” games that we can play like a couple of 10-year-olds running around in a playground.

ELENA: Yeah, totally. I can’t stand those games and I don’t know if anybody really knows when to call, when to text, how many days later, and which texts to ignore and which to play to and there is all this texting going on for messaging and people don’t really communicate and they are playing these games. And they get lost in the games ultimately. Forgetting we are all humans we have hearts and feelings and deep soul yearnings to connect and to realize ourselves and lets maybe play fair games and do the thing we are here to do.

STEVE: Yeah, and that could only really be done [with just] more authentic communication of admitting when there is some attraction and then not being attached to whatever that turns out to be. Perhaps that attraction turns into amazing. I’ve had many female friends that I’ve been attracted to turn into my best friends it didn’t go down the sexual road. But I still consider them soul mates, or soul sisters or whatever you want to call it.

ELENA: Exactly.

STEVE: Also admitting and then not being attached to what it looks like. Because, when you feel that soul attraction, it’s not always clear what that is going to look like, is it? What do you think about that?

ELENA: Yeah I agree with that. Sometimes you have to feel your way through it and sometimes it’s not obvious from the start why you’re so drawn to the person. Quite often we interpret an attraction as a sexual attraction, but it turns out to be something quite different. We end up doing something together or sharing about an important experience the only this person to help us with later on. It’s important to trust those impulses or trust those intuition and gut instinct. If you feel drawn to a person just go for it. If you feel the sexual attraction that’s alright too. And we can allow the connection to unfold and show us what is there and as you said, it can turn out to be something different and sometimes they are unconventional. But that’s okay, the soul is not a conventional fantasy and we are not conventional human beings.

STEVE: Yeah and then there are the whole levels of intimacy thing that you can have with someone. What are the options that we are sometimes leaving off the table because of the culture we lived in, in terms of intimacy what do you think?

ELENA: If we look at ourselves as energy beings, we can have all kinds of interactions with all kinds of people. Let me mention this a few years ago I wrote an article explaining how an ecstatic experience or a highly intense, pleasurable or sensual experience just defies what we label sex. So a sensual encounter could be immensely spiritual, it might not involve any nudity or genital touch for example, but here we still feel sexual because the sexual energy is created and we can experience that in many, many ways that far exceed any example we’re seeing and it’s usually porn, people get their education from before I see never really see those extended experiences that are unlike porn. They can be amazing, sensual connection or sexual connection with someone that never looks like sexual in a conventional way.

This is why now we are starting to open up to this knowing there is something that’s been off for many, many years and now we are starting to relearn all the possibilities and to express some more. So the less we try to define and label things the better. And then our truthfulness our presence will lead us to the experiences that we need to grow and to be the useful being that we can be.

STEVE: Yeah. It’s eluding to the question a little bit in terms of as well not everything but as you were saying everything has to be sexual. We could just have a soul mate partnership. I know someone just meets and has as a hugging party with a partner, they just hold each other. Where there are these levels of physical touch between someone of the opposite sex, where they potentially are attracted to them but it doesn’t have to be full-blown sex. You just hold hands when you go to the park or you may hug or whatever. Are we missing out on so much of that?

ELENA: Yes. Our tendency is to want to have clear distinctions about being displaced on previous norms, and the way we have been conditioned to think is good or normal or expected of us. I would go further and say you could have an amazing, energetic sexual experience with someone and maybe you never met, you really connect with and we just breathe together, right. It happens a lot in Tantra workshops where you just sit with someone, just savour their presence, you breathe together and then bliss emanates and does this not mean that you have to marry this person or does this mean that you have to live together and no not necessarily. But that experience we learn something new.

To have a successful relationship, like I said before there are different elements that each of us will want to have in place we all have our priorities in life. Some people want to have a family, some people want to have a successful career, some people are drawn by spiritual pursuits. So whatever we’re really committed to, whatever personal relationship we have we need to work well with that. But that doesn’t mean that we cannot have connections and extended experiences with more people in ways it looks quite strange, just unexpected. And for this to happen all those required is certain availability and thankfully now there are those containers like you said there are cuddle parties and you can go to workshops like that and you can meet those people. More communities are forming and soul mate connection is one of them.

I went to a women’s circle for example where women gather and connect very deeply and can be very close with each other and this wouldn’t have happened if we just or we just played and that’s it. So things are changing. Relationships are being redefined at this time.

STEVE: Yeah, I mean it’s going to take a grand redefinition to allow us to have that freedom of experiencing all the relationships especially if we’re married or a long term partnership, they would perhaps allow us to go on these soul journeys with other people and maybe have some breathing experience with someone to hold someone or these kinds of things. They are definitely redefining what a relationship is, and what it can be and redefining what truth and honesty are and exactly these conversations are like this we are having now, are the ones we need to have more of this as we go forward and so we get definitions of. Do you have any final thoughts to add as we wrap up? We touched on many different subjects, we could speak for hours I think…

ELENA: I’m just going to say I am super, super hopeful, I’m really hopeful and I would encourage everybody to just go out more and meet people organically. Following our dreams and letting those carry us. Trusting that as we’re all growing and to enjoy collectively those loving partnerships will become stronger and more accessible to us all. So I’m really hoping that everybody is going to have a little love in their life and great sex, great connections and amazing creativity. Especially after a darker night and it only gets better from here, right?

STEVE: Yeah. Onwards to the light.

ELENA: Yeah, absolutely.

STEVE: So thank you, Elena.

ELENA: Thank you, Steve.

STEVE: I honor you and your work and what you’re bringing to the world. Thank you so much. And where can people find out more about your work.

ELENA: Thank you Steve. I’m on and you’ll find details of my coaching the various events that I run and bits and pieces that I write for the blog. This is a blog that has a lot of interesting pieces for people on these topics and free resources people can download articles, videos, recording, hopefully, will educate and inspire. And thank you to Steve for all you’ve been doing. It’s just amazing to see how far you’ve grown and in these three years since we first met and onwards and upwards.

STEVE: Yeah, thank you so much, Elena. I really recommend anyone in London to check out her workshops and if you are elsewhere in the world, do check out her website. So, thank you today, Elena and maybe we’ll speak again soon.

ELENA: Yeah, it was a pleasure!