It's OK – you're not the only one who finds it a little awkward.
In fact, having your partner go down on you can be really challenging.
You would think that receiving the delicious pleasure of your partner's tongue on the innermost parts of your delicate folds would be easy, right? But it can actually bring a lot of emotion to the surface. It can trigger insecurities, intense vulnerability, uncomfortableness around receiving and even pressure to perform.
And then sometimes, it's hard just staying present in the moment.
But there is a way for you to reap all the pleasure you deserve.
(Note – Sometimes, for stylistic effect, I use gender pronouns. And since I'm in a heterosexual relationship, the gender pronouns I use reflect that. But feel free to chop and change as suits you best.)
One of the biggest barriers to enjoying your partner going down on you is worrying what they think.
We've all been there. We get caught up in thoughts like, 'Do I taste OK?', 'Does he think I smell?', 'Am I talking too long?'.
But here's the thing – if your partner's going down on you, chances are they love your yoni.
Sadly, due to sexual mis-education, cultural conditioning and a long history of yoni shaming, we have a hard time believing that. Sure, yonis have a unique flavour, but they're meant to. The smell and taste of an aroused yoni is a potent aphrodisiac, chemically designed to send your partner wild. And men especially, who tend to be more visual in their sexual arousal, generally love looking at yonis.
But don't take my word for it – talk with your partner about your yoni. Ask them what they like about it, and ask them what they enjoy about going down on you. This will no doubt be a bit challenging and awkward at times, but it's bound to be an eye-opening conversation for the both of you. And your honesty and vulnerability in reaching out will only bring you closer together.
The most important thing – believe what they tell you! Receive their love and appreciation graciously, and let them shower your yoni in all the praise she deserves.
Focusing on orgasms puts a lot of pressure on you to perform, and that doesn’t make for good head. In many cases, it actually prevents you from reaching climax.
On average, a woman needs at least 20 minutes of stimulation to orgasm. This, of course, varies dramatically, but this time frame is much longer than what most women give themselves space for. So if you are worried that you're 'taking too long', perhaps this puts things in perspective.
But here's the main thing – orgasm isn't the point of oral sex (or sex for that matter). It's also about connection. It's also about pleasure. It's also your partner giving and you receiving. Sure, orgasms are incredible, but they don't have to be the goal.
Worrying about orgasm will only bring you out of your body and into your head. And that's not where the pleasure is. So forget about orgasm and simply focus on all of that delicious pleasure that your partner is gifting you. Whether you cum or not is irrelevant – it's the journey that counts.
Receiving oral can be really vulnerable, and not just because of the insecurities and pressures mentioned in #1 and #2. To receive, you have to open yourself. That means taking down your guard and letting someone in. That in itself is a vulnerable act. But the vulnerability goes deeper than just this. To receive pleasure – to feel good in your body – is in many ways an act of self-love. And in our current culture, this is not something we're terribly good at.
Think about how challenging it can be receiving a compliment from a friend. Do you ever try to humbly deny their praise? Do you awkwardly avert eye contact and mumble thanks? Or do you completely deflect by giving a compliment in return? Receiving sexual pleasure can be challenging in a similar way. Especially for women, who are far more conditioned to give than they are to receive, receiving oral pleasure and letting in that love can really push the edges of our comfort zone.
But know this - you deserve it. You deserve pleasure. You deserve to feel good. You deserve to be worshipped, loved and adored as the beautiful goddess that you are. Totally guilt-free.
Simply being aware of this can make a big difference in how you receive. You can also take it even deeper by setting an explicit intention to really focus on the act of receiving – to feel yourself opening, to feel your heart expanding, to really feel yourself letting in all that pleasure and love that your partner is giving you.
By receiving and enjoying the pleasure of oral sex, you send a powerful message to yourself that you are worthy of pleasure. It's radical self-love and sexual healing, all mixed into one.
Connection plays a really important part of sex and arousal, especially for women, but it can be hard to connect with your partner when they're all the way down there. This distance can become even more uncomfortable when you consider all of the factors mentioned above – having your insecurities and vulnerability come to the surface when your partner is so far away really can be triggering.
It's important you feel safe and held in these intimate moments. For the kind of deep sexual surrender that will really take your pleasure and your relationship to new heights, that connection really is important. So prioritise what you need and find a way to feel closer to one another. Hold his hand, ask your partner to make eye contact with you from time to time, or find a position that presses your bodies closer together (my favourite is laying head to tail and snuggling my face into him).
Feeling loved, held and supported will open you up to incredible depths of pleasure, so experiment to find some positions that work for you so you can feel totally surrendered and connected.
The sounds we make are important. Vocally expressing your pleasure freely can be a massive part of building your own arousal, and can also help you stay present in the moment. But finding your authentic sexual sounds can be really challenging. Some of the natural sounds we make during sex aren't what the societal norm would call 'sexy'. Sometimes they're guttural, sometimes they're soft and whimpery, sometimes they're 'ugly' and wild – but if it's your authentic expression, there's a raw beauty to it far more powerful than any orchestrated attempts to sound attractive. And it will lead you to deeper levels of pleasure.
Personally, this is something I struggled with for a long time, but it was also one of the most transformative aspects of my sexual journey. So be patient if it takes a while before you feel comfortable really letting your voice go, and know that it starts with you trusting whatever kind of throaty moan wants to escape your lips, and then surrendering to it.
*This one has the added bonus of giving you partner clear feedback on what you're enjoying and also helps them to get more out of the experience. They want you to feel pleasure – that's why they're down there – and hearing you moan and scream in the throes of ecstasy will only help them to enjoy themselves all the more.
The surest way to get what you want is to ask for it. If something’s not working for you, or if you really just want it a little to the left, let your partner know.
This can also be challenging. Prioritising our needs is not something women are encouraged to do – we are generally far more comfortable putting the needs of other's before our own - so being direct in asking for what you want will probably stretch your comfort zone a little. But the benefits are more than worth it - the more you learn to speak your sexual truth, the more pleasure and satisfaction you'll discover in your sex life.
Not sure how to go about it?
You can try using hints like suggestive moans and subtle movements, but chances are this is going to take you out of the experience and back into your head. The best approach? Radical honesty. Your directions don’t have to be complex either - faster, slower, softer, harder, longer strokes, shorter strokes, up, down, left or right are simple but powerful directions. You can also ask your partner to get creative and try a few different things and you pick your favourite (1, 2, 3 or 4). Follow whatever feels good.
The main thing to remember is to be sensitive to your partner's feelings with how you direct. Yelling 'stop that' or complaining that 'this just isn't doing it for me' is likely to leave them feeling pretty hurt. Be considerate and playful, but don't be afraid to prioritise your own pleasure and sexual needs.
'Be more present' is probably something you've heard a thousand times - but how do you do it during oral sex?
By tuning into sensation. Feel his tongue on your delicate skin, the movement of each stroke and where his hands are holding your body. Feel his hot breath on your lips and the sweet vibrations of his pleasure-filled moans as he devours you. Watch him as he buries his face between your thighs. Hear your own moans mingled with his, and the sucking sounds of his lips on your lips. Smell the sweat and your ambrosia. Taste your own sweetness when he stops to passionately kiss you before diving down for more. Feel your wetness, your heat and the throbbing of your own pleasure. It's a feast of sensation, and yours for the taking the more embodied and present you are.
By setting your intention to focus on sensation and letting yourself follow wherever that takes you, you can create a truly ecstatic experience. Surrender to the moment, and let your senses guide you to the deeper presence and deeper pleasure.
The breath is the true key to mindfulness. It's also the single most powerful thing you can do to expand your pleasure and take your oral sex experience even deeper.
Your breath not only helps to bring you into your body and into present awareness, but it also moves sexual energy throughout your entire body. So the more you consciously relax and breathe, the more present you are to your pleasure and the more whole-bodied your experience. Whilst it might feel a little unusual at first, focusing on breathing in deeply for a count of four and out for a count of four can really open you up to a more full-body experience and much deeper pleasure.
And remember - just like in meditation, know that it's hard to remain present and in awareness. You're going to have distracting thoughts from time to time, and the important thing is to be gentle and compassionate with yourself when it happens. If you can just remember to keep coming back to your breath and the sensations in your body, you're already bringing much more mindfulness and pleasure into your experience.
I'm saving the best until last here because your relationship with your own body really is the most foundational aspect of your sexuality. The more confident you feel with your body, the more open and receptive you are to pleasure. And the more confident you feel about your yoni, the more relaxed you'll feel having your partner up close and personal with her.
The best way to connect with her? Create a regular self-pleasuring practice and prioritise your own connection time. You can even take things deeper by spending some time appreciating her in front of a mirror, journaling about what she likes and what she wants more of, or pampering her with a new hairstyle. There are even ancient sexual arts practices, such as the Jade Egg, which can nurture your awareness, articulation and connection with your yoni, and even improve your overall health, when used regularly.
There's so much you can do to nourish your connection with your body, and it really will deepen your confidence and how you show up not just in the bedroom, but the world at large.
Know your yoni, and you know yourself as a woman.
If oral sex is something that you do find challenging, I invite you to gather the courage and confront it. Use this article as a guide, focusing on just one or a few tips at a time (don't overload yourself by trying to do too much at once!) and remember to be gentle and patient with yourself if you are feeling triggered or are finding it hard to stay present. If you're really feeling stuck, remember that there are sex and relationship experts out there who can also support you through this process – myself included.
Perhaps one of the most powerful things you can do is talk to your partner about how you're feeling and what you want to explore. If you want to bring more connection into your experience, let your partner know, and you can work on it together. If you want to focus on breathing and relaxing, your partner could give you a gentle reminder whenever they feel you tensing up and resisting. This can be an incredible opportunity to take your relationship and your sexual experiences deeper, and the more open and honest you are together, the richer your experience will be.
So if you've been avoiding oral sex, perhaps it's time to push your erotic edge and re-explore. More pleasure and connection awaits you.
About the author.
Jodie Milton is a life, love and sex coach, and co-founder of Your Primal Essence. Together with her partner Reece, she helps men, women and couples to get the confidence, clarity and sexual mastery they need to create the life, love and sex they most desire. They work 1:1 with clients via Skype and offer transformational workshops and personal seminars around the world. Read more of their life-changing articles and download your free copy of their ebook, The Guide to Unleashing Your Primal Essence for Powerful Living, Mind-Blowing Sex, and Incredible Intimacy, at http://www.yourprimalessence.com/ebook.
Image - Purchased from Shutterstock.